6 Ways to Work with Misbehavior: Busting the Myth of the “Bad Kid”

By Robyn Smith, MA

As a therapist who works with kids, one phrase really gets to me and hurts my heart: “I’m a bad kid.” That label—bad kid—carries a lot of weight. It can stick with a child for a long time and even become a self-fulfilling prophecy. When a child truly believes they’re “bad” deep down, they might start acting out more without realizing it, just living up to that negative idea.

Let’s be super clear: there is no such thing as a bad kid. Kids aren’t born to be bad. Some kids misbehave, while others are just having a hard time. But misbehavior—no matter how frustrating—does not define who a child really is. It’s important to separate a child’s actions from their identity.

Why Kids Misbehave: Getting to the Bottom of Behavior

Every child has a deep need to feel connected and to belong. This need affects how they act. Sometimes, kids meet this need by behaving well and getting praise. Other times, they meet it by misbehaving, because even negative attention feels better than no attention at all.

When we call a child “bad,” we make a big mistake. We are mixing up actions with who they are. Disrespect, ignoring rules, defiance, or risky choices are behaviors we need to guide—but these actions don’t make a child a “bad person.”

As one wise saying goes:

“Every child’s behavior is telling us something. Our job is to see the behavior as information, not aggravation.”

Seeing behavior this way is vital for parenting and helping children grow.

The Goal Behind Misbehavior: Understanding Adlerian Theory

Adlerian theory in psychology teaches that all behavior has a goal. Kids don’t act randomly; they act to reach an underlying goal—usually to connect and feel like they belong. Misbehavior usually points to one of four main goals:

1. Connection: The child may be trying to get attention, even negative attention. Examples include interrupting, showing off, or minor mischief.

2. Power: The child may want control or independence, especially if they feel powerless. Examples include arguing, refusing requests, or defying rules.

3. Revenge: If a child feels hurt, mistreated, or unloved, they may act out to get back at others. This could mean aggression, breaking things, or passive-aggressive behavior.

4. Feelings of Inadequacy: A child who feels not good enough may avoid tasks, withdraw, or act helplessly to prevent failure or criticism.

When parents see behavior as a hint to an underlying need or goal, they can respond calmly and effectively. This understanding helps prevent battles and power struggles.

To figure out what your child wants, ask yourself:

• How do I feel when my child acts this way? (e.g., frustrated, angry, worried)

• What do I usually do in response? (e.g., yell, punish, give in, ignore)

• How does my child react after my response? (e.g., stops, escalates, withdraws)

Your honest answers give clues about your child’s hidden goal.

How Parents Can Respond: Moving Towards Connection and Guidance

Parenting during misbehavior is tough. It tests your patience and brings up your own feelings. But small, thoughtful changes in how you respond can make a big difference. 

1. Look at Yourself First: The Mirror Principle 

Carl Jung said, “If there is anything we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it in ourselves.”

This isn’t blaming parents. It means the only person you can control is yourself. Our reactions often fuel misbehavior. Ways to do this include:

• Ignore attention-seeking behavior: Focus on positive behavior instead.

• Offer choices: Give a child some control to meet their power needs.

• Encourage effort: Praise effort, not just results, to help a child feel capable.

  
  

2. Stay Curious: The Inside Story Fred Rogers reminded us there’s always an “inside story” behind behavior. Ask:

• What is my child trying to tell me?

• Are they tired, hungry, or feeling overwhelmed?

Being curious helps you understand instead of judging.

3. Focus on Strengths: Highlighting the Positive “What you focus on is what you get.” Praise effort and good behavior. This helps children repeat positive actions. Focusing only on mistakes makes problems worse.

4. Use Consequences Smartly: Learning, Not Punishment Consequences teach responsibility:

• Natural: Direct results of actions (e.g., skipping dinner means feeling hungry).

• Logical: Fair and related to the behavior (e.g., leaving toys out means no toys for a while).

The goal is learning, not punishment. Give choices when possible to empower your child.

5. Be a Role Model: Actions Speak Louder Than Words Robert Fulghum said:

“Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.”

Children watch how you handle emotions, solve problems, and communicate. Model the behaviors you want to see—patience, empathy, and respect.

6. Communicate with Respect: Building Bridges Good communication means listening, sharing your feelings respectfully, and finding solutions together. Create a safe space for your child to speak without fear.

A Story of Hope: The Power of Connection

I once worked with a family who was exhausted and felt lost. Their child misbehaved a lot—fighting, vaping, and getting into trouble at school. The parents were drained.

We started by rebuilding the connection. We learned to truly see and hear the child, to understand the needs behind the misbehavior. Slowly, the child’s behavior began to improve.

As Lelia Scott says:

“Connection is a child’s deepest need and a parent’s highest influence.”

When children feel seen and understood, positive change happens.

Final Thoughts: Guiding Towards Wholeness

Kids aren’t born “bad.” Misbehavior is a language—a way to connect, belong, assert themselves, or be heard.

Parents’ role is to guide with empathy and wisdom. Listen deeply, model good behavior, encourage effort, and stay curious about the “why” behind actions.

What children need most isn’t perfection. It’s steady, unconditional connection. This builds self-worth, resilience, and the ability to thrive.